We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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