So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
last night I used snow as a chaser
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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