Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You took a bar mat shot.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
