why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
