I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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