Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
