this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
