I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
