I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
