There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
