She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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