as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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