WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
