I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
