So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
