Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
