all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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