my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
