wanna go halves on a baby?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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