Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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