remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
