Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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