Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need moral support for this bender
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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