I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
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Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Someone came in the potted fern
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish