shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
