its not stalking. its research.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
