can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
