So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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