Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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