He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
