Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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