his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
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I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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