he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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