I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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