Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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