remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
