Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
