He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
