i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
