hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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