Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
