I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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