Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
