I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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