just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
