i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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