I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
