Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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