Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
