I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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