Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
