I met the friendliest cop last night
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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