I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I met the friendliest cop last night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
