so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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