Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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