Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
