i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
