new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
