It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
