I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
