i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
