Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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